If I had a snowflake for every time I’m asked how to handle a difficult boss I’d get out the snorkel and savor the face shots. Everybody has a boss, even the boss (think Board of Directors, “Corporate,” or the wife/husband. . .) and of course some are great, some OK and some are pretty tough. In fact I’ve found that the more senior the employee, the tougher the boss.

One of the greatest sources of on-the-job stress is a negative work environment. In my practice, I frequently ask what constitutes a negative work environment—according to employees, it’s “unhealthy relationships.’’ Employees are looking for cooperation, trust and respect in their boss relationship; the lack of these elements or violation of them can be crushing. It stands to reason that the principal reason an employee leaves a job is because of their boss; people quit their bosses, not their companies.

Every boss has bad days and every boss behaves badly at times; I’m not talking about a tense situation in a project or the occasional outburst. This is about workplace bullying. The bully exhibits an ongoing pattern of behaviors that leaves you feeling frustrated, intimidated, humiliated and under constant job threat. This management style results in the victim feeling poorly about themselves, their performance, their workplace and their boss.

Most bosses are able to self-correct or even apologize for their antics, but not the bully. Often workplace bullying is dismissed as politics or company culture or just a jerk at work—we don’t like to admit that we continue to suffer from playground tactics as adults. In the workplace version of bullying, however, the target differs from childhood; the strong, capable and charismatic employee is victimized as opposed to the weak and unpopular. They are often seen (consciously or unconsciously) as a threat by the bully boss.

There are some really bad bosses out there. According to the National Institute of Safety and Health (NIOSH), one in four workplaces have bullies among their ranks. As many as one out of six employees have experienced working with a bully and workplace bullying is three times more common than discrimination and harassment.

There is no shortage of information on workplace bullying. There are books, newspaper articles and entire websites devoted to the topic of dealing with a bad boss. In 2004, Quebec Province passed a provincial law against psychological harassment in the workplace, and the United Kingdom and Australia host countless workplace bullied support groups and seminars. Here in the U.S., there are currently several proposed national and state bills that would make workplace bullying illegal as well.

Gary Namie, PhD, author of “The Bully at Work” and president of the Workplace Bullying and Trauma Institute, says the intent of the bully boss is for the target to leave the organization. He found that 37 percent of the victims are fired, 33 percent quit and the remainder suffer in silence. Most bully bosses are serial abusers—chances are they carry a reputation in the company and you aren’t their first victim. Your co-workers will empathize with your plight but keep their heads down; no one wants to risk being the next casualty.


Disclaimer
The sad news is with all the information and resources I found, the experts admit that workplace bullying is the single most difficult employee issue to resolve. So, now for a disclaimer: This article will inspire you to examine your relationship with your boss; it may even compel you to take action. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that either of the above actions will result in an improvement to your situation. Please raise your right hand and read this statement aloud. “I, (state your name), can not change my boss. I am interested in making my time at work more positive and productive and will focus my energies on that which I can change—myself.”

Now that we have the fine print out of the way I can share with you what I know for sure.

1) This relationship is causing you a significant amount of stress; perhaps even more than you are aware of.

2) Mis-matched performance expectations are almost always at the root of the unhealthy relationship. Whose job is it to set performance parameters? (Bosses: look in the mirror! How have you helped or hindered their performance?)

3) Our relationships enable our performance; if the boss relationship is good, output will be good, if the relationship is bad, no matter how much of an expert you are, the output will be inadequate.

4) It always takes two to tango. It may feel as if your boss is tap dancing on your head, but somehow you’ve pushed the “on” button. (Employees: what is your contribution to this strained relationship?)


Diagnosis: Are You a Victim?
The symptoms of working with a bully boss are multiple and sometimes complex. Every job has its ups and downs and every relationship goes through phases; at one point in our career we’ve all experienced at least one of these symptoms. If you find that you are experiencing more than a few of these at once, chances are you are facing a challenge in your most crucial work relationship:

1) tense communications (face to face, phone messages, and written)

2) elevated stress, anxiety and/or depression

3) longer work hours and/or increased sick days

4) lack of motivation (where self motivation once existed)

5) negativism (trash talk about the boss, company, department)

6) avoidance of the boss

7) blame placing and excuses for non-performance

8) paranoia and fear

9) work spills over into your per­sonal time

10) lowered self-esteem and in­creased self-doubt

11) telling yourself to “stick it out,” “it’s just a job,” or “things will get better”

12) reduced job/company commitment and job performance

13) actively searching for a new job

We like to think we can live by the rule: “I don’t have to like them to work with them,” but that’s much easier said than done. Any negative relationship takes a toll on us personally. When it’s one with such high stakes as your livelihood, it has a dramatic effect on every part of our being. Our bosses are in control of fulfilling our most fundamental needs—the paycheck that will shelter and feed us and our families. Meeting this need is a powerful motivator, having it under constant threat can be personally devastating.


Why Do Bad Relationships Happen?
No matter where you dig for the cause of an unhealthy relationship the same clues are unearthed, bosses and employees merely interpret them differently (to better suit the color of their reality). The outside and unbiased observer knows that it all boils down to expectations, culture and personality.

At the core of every work relationship are three intertwined drivers: job expectations, internal company culture, and individual persona. These are each perceived and interpreted individually—it’s a wonder anyone can get along when you look at it like that! Generally, job expectations are steered by the organization’s internal culture, and individual persona is the wild card where the bully fits in.


Expectations
A leader’s job is to hire, train, coach and evaluate individual performance to their own and the company’s expectations. Employee performance and non-performance are both a direct reflection of that person’s skill as a leader. As managers, we are ultimately responsible for employee performance. When they succeed we succeed, when they fail we fail. The difficult boss fails to recognize this fundamental management premise.


Culture
Company culture is purely a compilation of the most commonly practiced behaviors and beliefs over time. Position, power and employment tenure highly influence culture. Is there really a trend of hiring and promoting bullies out there? No, the boss could merely be doing what he or she was taught to do. We lead as we are led, and we are an extremely adaptable species. “Kissing up and kicking down” can easily become a habit, and when enough bosses work that way in an organization, it translates through to the culture—the acceptable way of doing things.

The ski industry’s current leadership tenure trends are a great example of how company culture forms. If you were to describe your resort’s culture in five words or less, chances are it would fit the leadership characteristics of the top five resort leaders to a tee. We like to say we hire folks who will complement our weaknesses, but far more frequently we hire those who will ultimately emulate our behaviors and beliefs.


For the Employee
Here’s the bad news: your way out of this unhealthy relationship hinges on the boss accepting some of the responsibility for creating it. First, you must decide if you are really ready to pursue a relationship overhaul. Ask yourself these reflective questions:

1) How do I feel as a result of this relationship?

2) What do I think has contributed to the relationship?

3) What would the boss say about the relationship?

4) What do I want to change?

5) What will I do to get what I want?

6) What will I do if that fails?

These next steps are not for the faint hearted. If you are truly committed to the organization, your job and your career; if you believe in your contributions and know you can find a way to rebuild the relationship with your boss; read on. You have several options to move forward. They may be taken independently or in collective groups, there is no one correct order.

• Document everything (conversations, e-mails, confrontations, comments in meetings etc.)

• Get a reality check. Talk to someone outside the organization about the situation. Is there a different way to interpret what is happening?

• Know your own performance, ask your peers to weigh in, do a 360 review.

• Talk to Human Resources—that’s what they are there for.

• Have a Plan B, a safety net.

• Avoid being a target in the first place. If a dog sees a cat and the cat runs, what will the dog do? What will the dog do if the cat fights back?

Now it’s time to talk to your boss:

• Discuss boundaries for acceptable behavior.

• Stay professional, keep the emotion out of it and, if necessary, ask to be mediated.

• Praise the boss behaviors you appreciate.

• Use the Reflective Questions to draw the boss into a conversation about the relationship.

• Know how much is too much and when to cut your losses.

What’s worse: when the boss has lost respect for you or when you have lost respect for the boss? If you find your values and philosophy are a poor match for the boss and the organization, you must decide if you are willing to compromise your beliefs for co-existence. This rarely works for very long.


For the Boss
I know what you’re thinking, “I’m not a bully and there’s no way this is all my fault!” You’re right, it’s not. However, as the leader in this situation you carry the greatest culpability and responsibility to do something about it (that’s why you make the big bucks!). If you have truly taken a long look in the mirror and still believe your core issue is employee performance (knowledge, skills and attitude) use this model and steps to move forward to a positive resolution.

First, assess the situation:

• If you have an employee who can and will do the job—great! Leave them alone and let them do it!

• If you have an employee who can, but won’t, do the job, this is a performance issue of attitude/commitment. Determine where it came from and if it can be improved.

• If you have an employee who will do the job but can’t, you have a training issue—set expectations and train how to meet them. If you’ve already trained them, you evidently haven’t done it well enough—try again. You may also have a resource issue here.

• If you have an employee who can’t and won’t do the job, you have done a poor job hiring, training and gaining employee commitment. Go find that mirror. . .

Bosses, you have options in relationships, too. When you have a problem employee you can:

• do nothing

• change the situation

• change your thinking about the situation

• apply pressure—take corrective action against the employee

• engage in problem solving with the employee


A Call to Action
In today’s labor market and business climate we can’t afford playground games in the office. Our industry’s number one asset is the employee. If our workplace retention is suffering from attrition due to relationships, it’s more than just a shame. The heart of performing successfully is relationships; particularly the boss relationship. Look at your resort’s culture, expectations and personalities and finally the relationships. Are they made of the stuff that makes you proud and will move your business forward?